Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
