I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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