some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
