Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
