Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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