You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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