All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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