you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
my liver is dry heaving
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
