then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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