Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
