Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
