He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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