WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
