Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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