I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
