chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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