we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
