dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We are all done wearing pants today
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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