guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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