I think my fart just growled at me.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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