Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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