If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
