I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
