I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
