How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
