Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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