Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
