i will never coherently bang her
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
