I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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