im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
