So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Actions speak louder than pants.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
