Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
