so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i now understand why vodka
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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