I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
