My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
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