if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
