and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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