Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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