K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
