She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
