Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
