i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Randomize
