this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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