whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
