you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
