If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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