the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
