So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?