I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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