Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
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you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary