You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
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I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.