Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
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He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
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What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?