saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
