I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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