I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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