I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
