It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
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