I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
