The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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