Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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