well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
