I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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