"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
